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01-Feb-2020 02:47

I am still baffled by it.• The date where the self-identified “artist” revealed her day job was working as a prison guard, and she spent much of our afternoon on a mumbled, paranoid rant about an anonymous “them” who were on the verge of their incipient take over of everything we hold dear. She ordered worth of lunch, which she wouldn’t touch because she was sure it was contaminated.• My date ‘encouraged’ me to share the 0 steak for two.It was delicious, but he proceeded to pick out every single piece of fat from his mouth and made a pile of it on the side of his plate.We ordered coffee, and decided to drink our coffees while strolling through the farmer’s market next door. He’d just stopped teaching so he could be a Ph D student (Philosophy) at another Ivy League University (Penn).We walked the length of the farmer’s market, and when we reached the end, he asked if I wanted to talk more. After an absolutely miserable conversation where he humblebragged about his university (he mocked shame when he told me he’d gone to Harvard), he then started to tell me about volunteering for Arthur Ashe and how inspiring that was.

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As we were sitting outside of the coffee shop enjoying some nice conversation he told me how he was working on writing some music.Because of carbs.• I went on a date with an otherwise cute girl who wore a “Trogdor the Burninator” shirt and said at least one 4chan meme to me, unprompted, out loud.• I once went out with someone who, within an hour of meeting me, told me that his ultimate fantasy was to date a replicant.• Went on two dates. Girl randomly started replying and cursing at my tweets.• This guy commutes to the city from Connecticut, which I never really get (why not just live in New York? I suggested that he must really treasure his vegetable garden or something in order to put up with 2.5 hours/day on Metro- North. He called me a hippie for growing my own vegetables.• My dates “catch phrase” was a quote from Seinfeld. When we meet, I start to talk about Seinfeld and he tells me he doesn’t watch tv and doesn’t even own one.• A young woman and I got along pretty well in the bar where we’d agreed to meet, but things went downhill when we decided to get dinner at a nearby restaurant.He told me that when he bought his house, he hired a landscaper to tear everything out and replace it with gravel. Our server brought us a bread basket that my date grabbed three of four rolls from and then started playing weird games with.On the phone it had come up that he was a Redsox fan — I am a diehard Yankees fan.

But I thought a little rivalry could be fun — I have a lot of Yankee fan friends who have married Redsox fans and they both have a sense of humor about it! My first words on our date were: ‘Pardon me, but are you pregnant?

It was perilously close to that scene from Boogie Nights.• My worst case dating scenario… But when the conversation turned to “future plans” the guy could not tell me much beyond how many dogs he wanted to own at some future time. The first is when I waited an hour outside at Harvard Square in late January because my date was in the North End buying pot (not for me.) The second was with a grad student in English who dismissed my skepticism towards Freudianism with, “I guess I’m just not as much of social determinist as you are.” The moral of these stories: don’t date Harvard men.• Made the wrong comment about conceptual artist Matthew Barney to the wrong art student…